When we have to say goodbye to someone we love, the feelings can be so complicated that no words on a page can do it justice – especially if the goodbye comes suddenly and without warning. For some, their chest aches so bad that it feels like it will split open. For others, the tears will come and may not stop for weeks, months or even occasionally through the years. Losing someone we love is undoubtedly one of the hardest and most difficult processes we will ever go through, and the memories often linger much longer than the person themselves.

While we can’t take the pain away, we love you dearly and want to help in the best way we can. We understand that it is impossible to capture the vastness of what you are going through in an article, but here is a list of ways that may aid you through this difficult season which we hope will help you cope with life and loss. As you read through this, know that our hearts break knowing that you are going through this season, we are praying for and with you. 

1. ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL

The journey through grief is painful with every step. The pain can get too intense, we would do whatever it takes to make it stop. Sometimes, it’s easier to turn off our feelings, rationalize them away, and feel we need to hide it. However, we can’t move forward unless we come face to face with the memories, and with it, the flood of emotions.

It’s okay sit and cry. It’s okay that things may not make sense at the moment. It’s okay to take time off work if you can, and not plan too far ahead. It’s okay to take things one day at a time. It’s okay that some responsibilities may be put aside for now. It’s okay to let the world continue; when we lose a loved one, we need to take a little detour and heal. While it is important that we do not suppress the emotions, it does not mean we need to force them or take no breaks from the process.

One thing that has been shown to help people in the process is celebrating the life of the person. When you are ready, being able to talk about their lives can be great in the healing process. In the same way every book needs a conclusion, every television season needs a finale, we need closure in our relationships. So, spend time with others who have been left behind, tell stories, look through videos, pictures, and remember the positive moments we had with our loved one.

Even though it may be difficult, allowing yourself to grieve is a necessary process to your healing and future wellbeing. If we suppress our feelings, there can be severe and long-lasting consequences – often without us realizing it. The emotions may come out in unhealthy ways, such as excessive anger, addictive or self-harming behaviours to numb the pain, anxieties, numbness, or depression. These will not only hurt us for much longer, but also hurt the people around us. The emotions we suppress don’t go anywhere, and we cannot keep them bottled up for long – they will come out one way or another. 

2. EVERYONE GRIEVES IN DIFFERENT WAYS AND DIFFERENT TIMES 

Many have heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, in reality, the process looks and feels different for each and every person – even if they are grieving the same person. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, who actually came up with the different stages, said that “Our grief is as individual as our lives”.

Therefore, some may go through all the phases, while others not at all. Some may go through them in one order, while others may have a different order entirely. So, don’t feel odd if your grieving process looks different from the person next to you. Whether you cry every day, or the tears won’t come yet – there isn’t necessarily something wrong with you.

It is important that no matter how our grieving process looks, to do the best in taking care of ourselves. Grieving is an emotionally, mentally and physically draining process. Even though it may be difficult, we need to do our best in ensuring we eat nutritious food, getting enough sleep, and getting sunlight. The stronger our physical bodies are, the better we can cope with the emotional fatigue

3. YOURE NOT ALONE

Some of us have a habit where during our darkest times, we pull away from other people. Sometimes we don’t want them to see a particular side of us, we might feel like we are bothering them or wasting their time. In reality, church is there for times like this, where we laugh together, and more importantly, cry together.

In this season, choose your inner circle carefully. You need to surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally. It’s okay to not reply every message or WhatsApp that comes your way – we can deal with the people who won’t understand later. Choose the people you trust and spend time with them.

We have to remember that people aren’t mind readers. While some may value being asked how they are doing, others grow tired of their questions. If we can and are willing, we need to communicate our needs and preferences to the people around us. Don’t feel selfish or ashamed to ask for love. By being honest we help them as they want to help us.

Often when one person leaves, many people are hurting. Helping others can be an effective way to help us manage our own grief. If you are ready, check up on the others around you. Spend some time with them. Make a chat room to help each other. Grieving together is far better than grieving alone.

Sometimes, we may need some extra help in the process, and may even need to think about seeking professional help. Remember, there is absolutely no shame in seeking help, rather it is one of the clearest indications of strength, wisdom, and self-security. When we have prolonged difficulty sleeping, intense sadness, inability to function, consistently avoid any reminders of the event, have thoughts about hurting ourselves, or wanting to disappear, we may need professional help. While a counsellor or psychologist can’t take it away, they can help us walk through the process. 

4. INVOLVE GOD

God does not despise grieving. Our God is a God who will sit with you and cry, who heals our shattered heart and will bind up our heartache. He is the God who understands suffering, so He can help us through it. For example, when Mary was grieving the death of her brother, Lazarus, Jesus sat and cried with her – even though He was about to resurrect him right after! This shows how well God understand the grieving process and is willing to share in that grief with you. After all, God understands what it is to lose His only son.

He also isn’t afraid of any protests or questions you may have. There is an entire book in the Bible dedicated to that. He would much rather we come with our questions than walk away with our doubts. He is the God who knows our hearts, so there is little point in pretending to be OK in front of Him. Come to Him as you are, and He will be there to comfort you.